☀️ The Nicole Magnusson Newsletter

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📆 Daily Issue 14 | ⏱️ Read time: 3 min

Cursing at Church: How it Led an Epiphany

I cursed in front of my pastor and I don’t regret it.

The church I’ve been going lately to is very formal. Everyone looks straight out of a magazine. They dress perfectly, act perfectly, and breathe perfectly.

And somehow, I found myself there, fumbling around with my semi-formal clothes, frizzy hair, and always with a coffee cup in hand.

But I go because I love God. I don’t care about the details. I just love God.

Anyways, yesterday’s sermon was a particularly powerful one. The pastor shared that “God has feelings” and my mind was blown.

I’d always thought of God as an esoteric white mist in the sky descending fury or blessings upon me… never as an entity with sensitivity.

After the sermon, I complimented the pastor on his grand small of a sermon. And he responded, “Of course God has feelings. That’s why he came in the flesh, so we could see His humanity”.

To which I promptly responded…

“Oh DAMNNN”

I immediately locked up like a recoiled snake. The woman behind me froze too.

If I don’t breathe or move will time reverse to before I just said that? I thought to myself.

“Ummm I just… I was just really feeling what you were saying… I’m so so sorry” I mumbled and awkwardly attempted a save.

The pastor smiled lovingly at me and moved on. The vibe was a very “no harm no foul energy”. Apparently, I’d gotten away with it.

Now, on this fine morning a day later, I’m glad I made that mistake.

Surrounded by beautiful white spacious architecture and perfect people dressed to the nines, it felt like the worst place I could possibly make a mistake…

But maybe it was the best.

Maybe the stress of being so imperfect while being suffocated by perfection is finally what I needed to drive the point home.

The lesson I’ve spent this life, and probably many lifetimes, trying to learn: I don’t need to be perfect to be loved.

I don’t need to be perfect to be loved by God.

I don’t need to be perfect to be loved by other people.

And I don’t need to be perfect to love myself.

My pastor did not judge me because he knew my heart was in the right place. He knew I was just “picking up what he was putting down” as the kids say.

And what his grace helped me realize is that although I have made so many mistakes in this life, my heart is ALWAYS in the right place. I have always wanted to lift people up.

I am so critical of myself for falling off my path.

But you know what? Even when I was offroading it, I’ve been singing, hacking away at tree branches, and trying my best.

I regret losing my way. I really do. But the relief in admitting my humanity feels like what I imagine a hit of heroin feels like.

We are imperfect. Sometimes that manifests as a quick “faux pas” with someone, and sometimes it manifests as being lost for years or even decades.

Everything is forgivable. No one is too imperfect to find their way again. I know that in my bones.

So don’t you dare give up on yourself- you imperfect masterpiece! God is waiting for you to come home to yourself. And so am I.

It’s not nearly as bad as your brain is telling you it is, I promise. ;)

Keep inspiring,

Nicole